Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
