Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
