Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
