hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
