Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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