I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
