worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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