our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
