dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
