Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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