i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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