you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
