I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
