just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize