How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize