I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just tell him i said nine months
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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