I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
