I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
