He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
