So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I believe in your delicious
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
