What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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