i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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