literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize