He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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