You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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