oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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