OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
