Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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