haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize