i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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