she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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