I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
