i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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