Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
