Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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