I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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