I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This is my life. Enjoy the view
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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