Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize