My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
