There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
