Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
