please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
