Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
