One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
where are my eyebrows?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
