You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize