You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
