I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
