how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
you made out with another girl for some wings
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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