new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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