my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
