I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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