it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
