Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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