Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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