I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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