Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
