I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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