Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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