nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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