fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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