my phone needs a breathalizer
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
