My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
