...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
