Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
