I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
