ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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