theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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