Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
