my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
