We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
