She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Randomize
