sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
