If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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